It has been six years since our family was blessed with a fresh start. After living through divorce, blending our families, and then losing our youngest family member, we were beaten down and soul weary. When you consider the number of friends and allies we had lost, there is no other word for our rescue than "grace."
In my early years - and well into my adult life - I believed mercy and grace to be the same thing. Learning the difference was a revelation to me. If you are still waiting for your moment of clarity on this subject, I would summarize it this way: Mercy withholds the punishment we deserve, while grace gifts us with what we have not earned. Mercy subtracts, grace adds -- and gratitude multiplies all.
I have never been less than teary-eyed grateful for the life I am now living. I have, however, been challenged with passing the grace I have received along to others. It can be easy to settle into a greatly-blessed and highly-favored mentality, expecting everyone to get in line with how I feel I should be treated. After all - God has blessed me, and what mere human dares defy Him?!
Recently, I read a verse that I had memorized as a child. Somehow, I saw it with new eyes, and felt it smash into my heart like a ton of bricks. "And forgive us our sins," it read, "for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us."
Right away, I identified the problem. This verse didn't feel right because it simply wasn't true in my life. I have not forgiven everyone indebted to me. If I were honest, I had no intent to ever fully forgive a couple of them. They hurt me, in ways they couldn't begin to imagine or care about; they don't deserve my forgiveness.
Then the voice of my Good, Good Heavenly Father whispered:
"...As we forgive..." You mean that other verse in Mark about receiving the same measure we give applies to forgiveness?
"Not just that," my Heavenly Father whispered. "You are called to go the extra mile."
The extra mile?! You mean basic forgiveness isn't enough? I have to give them a combo deal with dessert, too? What does
that look like?!
And, as He always does, He answered:
Oh, I don't know if I can do this. It has taken a long time to even think about forgiveness. I could gradually acclimate myself to kindness, I suppose - especially if we maintain our lives at a distance from each other. But tenderhearted? God, you're asking me to tread impossible ground right now.
But wait. Was I more deserving? One of the good things about social media is that it offers a memory of each day from years past. Let me tell you that my memories from 10 years ago are humbling in every manner of the word! Did that version of me deserve the life I lead today? Many would argue "No."
And even as I think these things through, I enter the church on a Sunday morning. The worship is incredible; the songs minister to my heart. And my wonderful pastor takes the microphone. He begins to speak on "Conquerors Are Reconcilers." He issues a challenge to write the name of someone we had written off, and to begin to pray for them.
I can't, Lord. It's too soon - I need time to warm up to this idea.
But you've had 18 years and a cross-country move. Your kids are grown and safe, and you have the blessing of a grandbaby. To whom much is given ....
I know. Deep in my heart, I know. This is the time. This is my proving grounds.
I wake in the middle of the night to what feels like a giant blood blister just inside the corner of my mouth. Completely taken aback as to how it got there, I stand in front of the mirror to examine the thing. While it feels like a blister, it has the appearance of a canker sore. My first thought is, "I haven't had one of those since ... well, I was still with my ex-husband!"
And my spirit hears the Heavenly Spirit whisper so clearly: "Now will you pray for him? Every time you feel that blister, will you pray for the one person you've written off? Can you bring yourself to understand that you were no more deserving of grace than he is?"
No, God. I can't.You don't understand.
Except ... He
does understand. My parents, lost friends, and even my ex-husband have hurt me no worse than I have hurt my Heavenly Father. In ways that only He and I fully know, I should have been written off years ago. Yet, here I stand. Except for grace ...
And so begins my journey. From basic forgiveness to luxury-edition, full-out grace. It may not be instant. It will for sure tear my heart in every direction as I strive not to leave my kids feeling betrayed or bewildered. It will be scary, as my current marriage often feels as though it is on its own proving grounds at the moment.
I have no idea what this grace and forgiveness will look like. But I am committed to praying it through. My heart stands on grace, and I am pushing down every wall. My heart
will be as free as the air I breathe. My cup of grace
will overflow with bubbles of joy. I
will stand in wide open spaces, throw my arms in cross-shaped form, and confidently declare, "I stand amazed."
