I went to the doctor months ago. I told him I have a heavy feeling in my chest and I can't stay awake. He asked if I entertained thoughts of suicide; I said no. He told me I'm not depressed.
I'm not even really sad. I don't spend hours crying, and I still participate in life. I enjoy time with friends, I love to read books and drink coffee or tea, and recently I even love my job! But I nod off at my desk because I literally can. not. stay. awake. But I'm not depressed.
I have a new grandbaby, and I love to steal her for cuddles as often as possible. I look forward to watching her grow, and I adore her giggles. I have reasons to want to see the future. I am not depressed.
When I can't be with my granddaughter, I still have my 7-year-old cuddle buddy. I took pictures last night of him pinning me down in his sleep. At all times, an arm or a leg is on top of me, ensuring I don't leave his side. In waking moments, he says the most romantic things to me! He makes me feel beautiful and loved just the way I am. I would do anything for more time with that little boy! I am not depressed.
My husband does all of the cooking while I nod off on the couch. I am zapped of energy when I walk through the front door. But I am not depressed.
My husband does most of the cleaning. I spent $500 on new crate cupboards so that the dishes and baking goods are more accessible and I could reach to participate in kitchen activities. But I live in between naps and touch the cupboards fondly while I'm getting a drink in the middle of the night. But I'm not depressed.
Every day there is more bad news in mainstream media. Conditions around the world are frightening, anger-inducing, and heart-wrenching; yet, on the average day, I feel none of that. It took a story about a missing 7-year-old whose 3 older siblings were looking for him to bring a tear to my eye. Because I saw my 7-year-old and his 3 older siblings. I have no emotional investment until it relates to me; this is new for me. But I'm not depressed.
I live in hope that things will change - that I will get back the old, passionate, emotional me. Maybe when menopause has passed. Or maybe after my weight loss surgery. Or maybe this is just a funk and I'll find my way out of it. At least it's not permanent ... because this is not depression. The doctor said I'm not depressed.
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