Forty Is Fabulous!

Y'all, I have got to try to put my excitement into words right now!

Today, I am 40 years old - a landmark which I have been so excited to reach! (I know, I'm weird ... and I'm OK with it.) But so much is happening so quickly that I can already tell this will be a wonderful decade for me, even if it is cut short by the end of the world. :)

My best friend randomly called a couple of days ago and asked if I've read Lysa Terkeurst's new book, "Uninvited." Although I've read plenty of excerpts online and fought the urge to order it on my credit card, I have not yet read the book. This was great news to Sara, who simply responded, "Good! I'm sending it to you; happy birthday. We're going to read it together." I was so excited! This goes well with the call I have been feeling to deepen relationships.

To add to that, I opened my e-mail yesterday to find I had been invited to participate in a book launch. Somehow, God thought it would be funny to launch me from 4.5 years of no close relationships into a season of opportunity that blows me completely away. The name of the book is "Never Unfriended" - so you just know it's going to be full of nuggets to bless my life! :)

Today, during a rare zero-work-on-my-desk moment, I pulled out the copy of Ann Voskamp's "The Broken Way" from my purse. An excerpt from today's chapter reads, "Every soul ... wants to experience a powerful connection. We want to be fully seen and experienced by Someone ... we want to know the wonder of being intimately known." Have more accurate words ever been written? And has anything ever been more timely?

Ten years ago, I was in isolation in a Children's Hospital room with my son. We were both fighting influenza A; my boy nearly lost that battle. I have joked a number of times that it was a pretty clear indicator of how the next decade would go: a struggle to be sure! How blessed I am today, then, to begin a new decade in a state of being seen, known, and understood. Each person in the book launch group has a heart wish exactly like mine: deeper connections.

If there's anything I know, it's that life is about seasons. I feel like I am entering a season of realizing hopes and dreams. I welcome new experiences, new friendships, and restoration in wounded places. I am grateful to have a few close friends along for the journey, and look forward to blessing others as I grow.

Yaaaayyyy! :-)

Disconnected

Disconnected: It summarizes how I feel these days. I've never been so actively involved in a community and so isolated at the same time.

I live in a village of approximately 200 people. Part of the charm was that it was so tiny, we would have no trouble knowing all our neighbors in a very short time. It turns out that the neighbor who assisted us in buying a home here was acting on a business decision, and not the friendship I'd had my heart set on. The remainder of the neighbors are friendly, but content to wave as they walk by; nobody stops for coffee on the freshly-constructed patio.

I work full-time. As former receptionist in our office, I know most of the staff by name, with the exception of a few newer faces. Still, given the climate I work under at the moment, I feel guilty leaving my seat unless it's work-related; this limits my social interaction to 30 minutes in the lunchroom each day. I look forward to that time more than you know! I schedule my time in the lunchroom when I know there will be a table full of guys who love to forget cell phones exist. They actually have a conversation and spend a lot of time laughing; those few brief moments together make the work day so much more bearable!

I serve on the board of a local Youth Center, after moving on from the local daycare board. Speaking of daycare, this is the part of my social life that's so much fun! It was warmer outdoors this week, so windows were opened for fresh air. The moment my husband and I reached the gate of the daycare property, we could hear kids squealing; we instantly knew what was happening inside. We opened the door to find the director of the daycare with hands on hips and a crooked grin. "[Your son] is not here," she said, adding "They all disappeared. You must have heard them from outside." Oh we heard them! And we know that they run and hide because they love being chased down and kissed and tickled and boogied to exhaustion. Or maybe that's just the second highlight of my day ... who knows?!

I attend church regularly, which translates to once a week in this corner of the world. I miss my Sunday evening service, my weekly involvement with the Youth Group, choir practice and ladies' meetings. I had asked God to "set the lonely in a family" (Ps. 68:6), but it's hard to build a relationship that feels anything like family on mere minutes per week. I remember how relieved I was when I realized my first crew of kids was old enough that I was not required to spend half of every service in the church nursery; alas, I am back at Square One. Although not in the nursery, I am required to keep tabs on a very busy little person, which hampers quality conversation. Thus I find myself greeting people for seconds at a time, ineffectively trying to communicate my love for them in rushed "Hello, how was your week? I'm good thanks - see you later! Praying for you," mouthfuls of good intentions.

I know that part of the problem is living in such a rural area. Everything is a drive; people are busy rushing to the city each weekend for groceries and diapers and clothing. Connection to humans outside of your home requires intentional planning and some degree of juggling to get everything done. Text messages are quick and easy, and social media fools many into thinking they are connected to hundreds of people simultaneously. The kind of friendship I'm looking for goes deeper.

I want a friend who will make me a better person. Challenge me to higher ideals. Encourage me in my marriage. Cry with me on hard parenting days. Ask me if I've talked to Jesus about it yet. Cheer for my career goals. Tell me I made a crappy cup of tea/coffee. Look me in the eye and tell me that menopause is no big deal, and that empty nesting isn't as hard as I'm making it out to be. Then call me to apologize when you figure out I was actually right about both of those last two topics. :-)

No man is an island, they say. I'd be content to be an island if a stray survivor would swim up to short now and then. And yes, I'm going to have another little talk with Jesus about this. Something tells me that getting my connection with Him right will be key. Perhaps this disconnected feeling is really just because we were never meant to call this world home. <3

When Christmas Brings Change

It was our first Christmas with just one little in the house. All our teenagers have begun their own way in the world, but we were looking forward to having them all home for the holidays. What parent doesn't dream of having all their kids under the same roof, re-establishing the level of noise, traffic, and hunger to which we gradually become accustomed during 18+ years of raising humans?!

It became evident to me early on that our daughter would struggle this season. With severe anxiety and OCD, she "peoples out" quickly. I try to follow her lead with regards to how often she visits, how many people will be present, etc. I also try to ensure there is a quiet space provided for her to get away, and check in often if she needs to step away or is ready to go back to her own little home. Still, a mother has to try to include her girl in Christmas celebrations.

The starving student was first to arrive home for the holidays, bringing his adorable other half with him. They settled in easily, and presented their plans for the next few days. We found that celebrations with her family coincided easily with our plans, so neither of them would miss anything.

Next came the mancub, with his other half. She is also precious; together they are the picture of young love. They bring the humour and spontaneity I often wish for, as it seems to have disappeared over the years in my own marriage. Their plans lined up easily with ours as well, and I was pleased that the coming and going provided times of rest for the girl who desperately needed to feel loved this season.

I found it was a balancing act: sharing in the excitement of the 5-yr-old, listening to the hopes and dreams of the young adults, entertaining and just being present. Emotions can quickly become a roller coaster, and the serenity can turn to senility if you let yourself worry about every. little. thing. Somehow, we found our way through Christmas Day with no arguments or tears ... save the girl whose significant other refused to show up.

For the first time this year, I had completed an online Advent Bible Study with the ladies from my church. I truly believe it prepared my heart for all that Christmas would bring this year. It is strange to welcome one's grown-and-flown children through the door and realize they feel like guests here. It is fun to realize we can be friends with them now; our days of effective parenting - for them, at least - are over. It is amazing to observe their choice of life partners, and to watch all the personalities mesh. For me, the best part of the day was watching them all sit tightly together on our couch/floor and catching up on each other's lives since the start of the school year.

We have worked hard to get to this day. I have worried myself sick that my teenagers fought so badly they would never keep in touch after leaving home. I see now how needless that was; they are doing fine. The siblings who live close often have supper or attend hockey games together; sometimes they pair up for a road trip to see the one who lives away. There is a generalized belief that the middle child of any family is neglected, so it is especially delightful to see that our middle boy appears to be the "glue" of their circle, always knowing what is happening in everyone's world. My heart actually swells with pride, watching them all do life together, even from a distance.

At the end of the day, I sank into bed with the 5-yr-old. I was exhausted, the child not so much. I couldn't shake the image of the tears in my daughter's eyes as she prepared to leave. Showing me the last text message received from her boyfriend, the hurt gleamed in her eyes. She just wanted to be worth the effort. And she deserves that much, and so much more! So I played the mom card.

"Immanuel, Jesus Christ, You'll never let me go;
My Shepherd King, You're watching over me - Immanuel."

The words rang out clear from the YouTube video on my phone, and I began to pray. That Immanuel, God with us, would come and be with my girl. That she would sense her Prince of Peace holding her heart and know her worth. That God, who fashioned her in His image, would allow her to see her own true beauty. That as His love shines on her, it begins to show as a twinkle in her eye. And there in the moonlight, Immanuel showed up. The 5-yr-old fell to a sound sleep, and my own heart was quieted.

I spoke with my girlie today. She sounds much better after a good night's rest. We laughed at how Jordan is dating a girl who started as his brother's best friend, and Zach is dating a girl who started as Michaela's best friend. Perhaps she should examine her brothers' friends and choose someone who already works well in their circle, we said with a laugh. And then we discussed the possibility of her coming home for a (shorter) visit today. With all the boys and all the noise. And Immanuel.

I am so grateful for all this season has taught me! Immanuel - God is with us. Cheering our success, correcting our mistakes, and sitting with us in sadness. We cannot escape His grip ... but who would want to?! The hands that hold the world, hold my world together ... and my heart sings. "Immanuel ..."