PEACE BE STILL

Today has been one of those days. You know the ones: where the date on the calendar tells you it will be a struggle. Where emotions run high and patience runs low.

On this day in 1999, a baby girl was born. Through some display of grace I could never have earned, I became a second home to her and her brother. No sweeter sound was ever heard than the word "Mommy" from a child; perhaps even more true when they weren't originally your assignment in life. 

After 6 years together, Baby Girl was forcefully separated from our home. For the 4 years that followed, I wept and prayed and loved like mad. I attended therapy and made visits together special and sent her to her 3rd mother figure's home with physical reminders of her family and how much she meant to us. And in the end, it was still the end.

Fast forward 12 years. My Dad was placed in a nursing home 10 days ago. My mother neglected to tell his only sister. Just as I'm fuming about the level of ignorance, my mother messages to say she's puking in the bushes outside the nursing home because she knows Dad is inside crying. And today, my baby girl is turning 19 and planning for her graduation prom in the spring. Add last night's discovery that the relationship I have been rebuilding for 8 months has been a one-sided effort.

Lord, please walk through this day with me. I am going to need Your strength today. And wisdom, Father. Please show me when to stand firm and when to give grace. I have the distinct feeling that small things could otherwise become battlegrounds today. 

Thank You, Father. For knowing my heart. And for loving me, even through the lessons You are teaching me.

Dare I admit that I'm scared? Frightened, actually, by all the unknowns of the future.

My Dad is pretty determined to die by the time he's 70. His 69th birthday is only a month away. What if I never see him again? Have I said everything? What will I regret? And why does the time before the inevitable ending not feel like a gift?

Baby Girl is 19; high school graduation is all that stands between her and freedom. Will she come to us, even if only for a visit? What do we say? How do we counter all the lies we know she's been told? On the other hand...what if she doesn't come or call? What if the damage to our family is permanent?

Thank You, Heavenly Father, that You are Lord of the unknown. Your thoughts and Your ways are a mystery to me - but I trust Your heart. I choose to believe that the plans You have for me are good.

What was it the minister spoke on Sunday? "Peace is active," he had said. And suddenly, the words "Peace be still" had taken on new meaning in my heart. It was as though I heard Jesus speaking to peace - instructing peace to be still. To settle over me. To soothe my heart. "Peace! Be still! Peace! Be still. Peace! Be. still." 

How quickly we forget! A powerful word is dropped into my spirit on Sunday, but by Tuesday I am depending on my own strength again. I was never made to handle these days alone; my strength, like ocean tides, ebbs and flows. I need a Rock.

"From the end of the Earth will I cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." ~ Psalm 61:2

Peace like a river. Peace like a flood. Peace that passes understanding. No change of circumstance required - only my stance. Kneel, arms extended, palms turned upward. Regardless of who I lose or gain in the days to come, my Heavenly Father holds my heart. His hands are the only safe place.

"You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." ~ Isaiah 26:3

I have made it through this day. I am going to lay down my head and sleep. In peace. God is alive, awake, and on guard. Nothing surprises Him - what have I to fear?!

The Way of Words

Have you ever read a book that completely and utterly undid you? I mean the kind of book that rips you open, and you wonder how the author wrote your heart on paper. Ann Voskamp's books do that to me.

It was January 27th of this year (I checked!) when I received an e-mail at work that stopped me cold. The subject line read simply, "If You Are What You Love, What Are You?" Grateful that my manager understood my daily devotional as my wellness, I knew I would need to really absorb what Lisa-Jo Baker had written. It is early May now, and that e-mail remains in my inbox at work, because I have been wrestling with the answer.

In February, I found myself reading Ann Voskamp's latest book, The Broken Way. Not at all unusual in my world, her writings both struck a chord in my heart and coincided well with almost every Scripture and inspirational writing I picked up at the time. I struggled between reading the book slowly enough to soak it in or reading it all at once! One of the pieces that grabbed my attention was this fresh perspective on love:

 

      "But isn't this the way of love? Love bears all things? 'To bear', stego in the Greek. It

      literally means a thatch roof. Love is a roof... Real love is a roof. Real love makes

      you into a shelter... makes you into a safe place. Real love makes you safe. Stego."

 

Whenever I imagine a thatched roof, I picture a home built into a hillside, with the natural grass surface as a roof. (In all likelihood, this stems from the days my younger bookworm self read the stories of Laura Ingalls Wilder, in a dirt-floor home with a thatched roof.) But something new came to mind this time: that kind of roof would have creatures living in it! Not just creatures you chose for pets, but rodents and spiders and worms. Undesirables.

 

 

 

What do you do when you build a safe place and messy, undesirable things happen? When conflict happens. When you're always chosen last. When a spouse leaves. When you lose a child. When friendships fall apart. When family dissolves. When you find yourself miles from home, busy but empty. What then?

 

      "Your one broken heart always splits God's heart in two. You never cry alone."

 

I've had this conversation with my best friend. We are, each of us, very alone in our current geographic locations. Despite being 10 hours away, Sara has been my closest option for a coffee date. It goes without saying there have been more pity trips than road trips, each of us calling the other in moments of overwhelming loneliness.

 

      "What if instead of waiting for good things to happen to us, we could be the

      good thing to happen to someone else who's waiting? Every soul wants to

      experience a powerful connection... to be fully seen and experienced by Someone."

 

I read this last quote just before lying the book aside to participate in a book launch for Lisa-Jo Baker's Never Unfriended. Around the same time, Lysa Terkeurt's Uninvited arrived in the mail: a thoughtful birthday gift from Sara. As I read through these two books on friendship, I learned that I was far from alone in my fear of being the new girl, in my failed efforts to maintain long-distance friendships, and in my tears over the next steps. Confirmation of Ann's words above encouraged me to become the friend I had been waiting for. Where to start?

 

The dear long-distance friend who mourns the loss of her mom today as though it happened yesterday. The fellow high school graduate who lives in a remote territory with no extended family and very little sunlight. The woman I was led to through the strangest of coincidence, and whom knew I was called to encourage. The Life Groups starting up with church families. The mom of littles up the road who loses sleep while her children gain teeth. These are people I can reach with handmade cards, with gift cards, with cups of coffee and potluck suppers and random text messages.

 

Even as my reach begins to extend, I begin to see and hear repetitions of 1 Corinthians 13 everywhere. The emphasis is specifically on love and kindness. I realize that, while I am making strides personally, I have work to do professionally. My reaction is not always kind when I hang up the phone or delete the email. And in the middle of our industry's busiest season, I pick up The Broken Way after a 3-month hiatus, and begin to read Chapter 8.

 

With the flip of a page, it leaps out at me:

 

      "You are whatever you love ... We give our lives to things we never would if we got

      honest and thought about them for one single moment. Our ideals never compel like

      our loves."

 

And I get it. I have spent hours scrolling social media, with the strongest connection made being my WiFi connection. I have invested time chasing Pokémon for my 5 year old when we could have been cuddling over a book instead. I have extended open invitations to stop in for a beverage rather than delivering a coffee or cookies to someone who's struggling. I have lamented my lack of effective influence while often being impatient and less than kind in my circle of influence. Ideals versus love.

 

I am humbled that God would spend 3 months making sure I understood the message. I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. I am determined to love, because He has loved me so faithfully and so unconditionally. May I learn, and be known for, that kind of love.