2018: My Year of Refreshing

In a moment of candid honesty, I would confess that I have a love-hate relationship with New Year's Day.

I love the image of a blank slate, dusty from lessons learned, but empty and ready for the learning still to come. I always dread, however, the reflection upon the past year's achievements...or lack thereof.

From a Christian perspective, I am increasingly frustrated by the overuse of Isaiah 43:19 in reference to the New Year, as captured in the image below:

I'll let you in on a secret: God doesn't celebrate New Years. He doesn't wait for the calendar's permission to address you or your situation. How do I know? I read the verse below:

Imagine, if you will, what it's like to live in Heaven's time zone. The 2,018 calendar years marked off by mankind are little more than 2 days in Heaven. At the same time, every single day is like a thousand years to Him. If you are a parent, or have ever experienced a challenging day in the workplace, you understand the concept of the day that never seems to end.

So what about the days you realize you spent a whole year missing the mark? Resolutions weren't kept, goals weren't achieved, or perhaps it even seems you moved backward. What about those days? And the ones that seem to last forever, and for all the wrong reasons?

Sweet friend, God made provision for those days. Just because He lives outside of time as we know it doesn't mean He has no idea how this works: He designed the system! We break the system down into days, hours, minutes and seconds - but do we forget that seasons are part of the plan, too? Consider Acts 3:19, where we are told that times of refreshing will come from the presence of the Lord. (Some versions of the Bible translate the word "times" as "seasons"  - I love the imagery that word paints!)

This year, as I look at the 365 days just passed and the 365 days ahead, the word for my New Year was nearly audible to me: Refresh. Last year was good, and I learned a lot from living by the word "defined." I believe I am on the right track, but I need a season of refeshing before I set new goals.

As someone who works with computers daily, perhaps I can draw an analogy from them. When you press the "Reset" button on a computer, all programs will shut down and you will need to restart each one. I would consider our cross-country move five years ago as a "reset." which required us to restart everything: our home, our jobs, and even our friendships.

Pressing the "Refresh" button on a computer does something completely different: it simply reloads the program you are working in without whatever factor was slowing you down. A season of refreshing, then, as applied to life, means you are doing good work, but you have some things to get rid of. This ties in beautifully with Hebrews 12:1, which instructs us to "throw off everything that hinders..."

For me, some things that hinder include anger, guilt, and low self-esteem. The low self-esteem is directly connected to my troubles with weight management, which I have begun to correct. The guilt and anger are tied to what seems like a whole other lifetime, but they directly influence my weight management when I eat based on emotion. So although I'm doing the work, I need to "refresh" and throw away the issues that slow down the finished work. 

I will take this season to be made cool and clean. I will first be emptied of things that hinder, then filled with peace and purpose. I will practice seeing each day as fresh and every moment as re-fresh. Refresh. Re-fresh. Fresh, and fresh again. As many times as required, until the work is once again moving forward without hesitation. 

I do not expect this season to be easy. I will put in the work because I am excited to see the results. I look forward to feeling lighter, both physically and emotionally. Because life is a gift, and the Giver is good. 

Conflict & Me

I have never handled conflict well. I have been known to handle conflict with tears, self-defense, lashing out, or shutdown mode. My favourite technique, though, has been avoidance. I would rather not talk to you than fight with you.

I cannot identify for certain when this preference was established or what caused it. Perhaps it stems from having a number of people in my life who were physically violent when they were angry; who wants to confront these people about anything, ever?! I can only say that I noticed the pattern several years ago, during yet another family blowout. Social media accounts were disconnected, communication severed, and some strange version of peace prevailed. The problem is that nothing was actually resolved.

On a professional level, it has always been fairly easy to avoid conflict. My line of work is great for staying at a desk all day, popping in earphones if required for sanity, and sticking to the task at hand. Still, I requested training in conflict resolution, as I knew this to be an advantageous skill on all levels of life.

I have yet to receive any training in this area. What I have received are numerous opportunities to practice. Most often, I have stuck to what I know: avoidance and disassociation; however, my heartfelt goal to establish and preserve relationships demands more of me.

I have been working my way through an independent study of  Danny Silk's book, "Keep Your Love On". I started this weeks chapter last night, and was thrilled to discover it's about conflict! Finally: some sound, Scriptural teaching on this subject!

The timing could not be more profound. We are discussing a possible visit to the East coast for the first time in 5 years, and I am riddled with anxiety over this. An estranged community member with whom I was once close has seemingly extended an olive leaf. Professionally, I have reached a point where either the atmosphere will change, or the environment will change. With the physical effects on my health recently, I know it is time for me to make changes.

In speaking with a friend this morning, I was surprised to hear the following revelation come out of my own mouth: You can't pass the test if you never write the test. I won't just wake up one day feeling confident that I can handle conflict now: I first have to walk through a successful conflict resolution. So it is, that as much as I dread the thought of it, I am determined to finally tackle a situation head on. Maybe even two or three ... but let's not get hasty in committing to more than one just yet. 😁

And now it makes sense that the word impressed upon me so heavily for this year was "DEFINED". It is so easy to let circumstances, history, or other people's opinions define us! I refuse to believe that every relationship in my life is temporary, and will fall apart at the first sign of disagreement. I refuse to believe that I will never be more than my biggest mistakes: I already am more than these. I refuse to accept one person's negative opinion of me as fact ... especially if their opinion of everyone else is negative, too.

Effective immediately, I'm making the change. I will be defined by the lessons learned, rather than the mistakes made. I will be defined by God's vision of me, rather than people -- after all, He made me and knows me more intimately than they. I will not be defined by any single moment - my best or my worst - but by each step I take toward being the best version of me.

Effective immediately, I will practice what I have preached to my children for several years: Know who - and Whose -  you are, and walk in it. You'll hear me coming; I'll be singing along with the Gaither Vocal Band:

On the authority of the Holy Book, I rise up and take my stand;
I'm a blood-bought child of the risen King Who is the great I-AM.
I'm an heir to all that Heaven holds, and no principality
Can ever take away my royal crown, given on His authority.

I will walk the hard roads. I will pursue deeper relationships. I will achieve a healthier state of mind. I will live this life!

In December, We Remember

I know what you're thinking: It's in November we remember. Ah yes, but this is a different kind of remembering.

It was November of 2000 when my husband of 4 years decided our marriage was over. It was December when I decided it was over for the last time. That Christmas and New Year were the worst holiday season of my life. Still, somehow, they were also the best. That was the year I felt the winds of change blow in on angels' wings of strength, and knew life was going to get better.

Fast forward one year: a ring twinkling in the lights of the tree and a man on one knee who wanted to do life with me and all of our children. Together. It was the kind of bravery that bordered on insanity. Suddenly, I wasn't sure which of us was facing the bigger challenge ... but I knew that having each other for support could hardly be a bad idea! So the proposal was accepted, and the adventure began.

So it is that in December, my husband and I remember. We think about where we started, and how far we've come. This year is a very special landmark for us. This year, we celebrate three of our original four hatchlings being grown and flown. It is overwhelming to look at our now-adult children and breathe a sigh of proud relief.

We did it. We took a group of children into the eye of the storm. We stood only with a wing and a prayer, and we staked our claim to a healthy, successful family. Today we stand on our island knowing there can be no rougher seas than we've already sailed together. And it's good. It's all good.

There are a few more landmarks to reach yet. We have one little sailor to raise, and one "man overboard" to get back on deck. But we will. Together. But for this year, we raise our glasses in a toast: we turned out to be a dream team.

Happy New Year, Mr. Wonderful. I would swab that poop deck all over again if it meant I got you as a first mate again. ;-)